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Domestic Violence Fair October 4, 2003
My name is Debra Lee and I am the author of When Glass Shatters. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and Rape.

I feel we as women have been raised to be nurturing, forgiving, and supportive. These are all good qualities in the right circumstances but not at the expense of self. The standard words, it will NEVER happen again, I am sorry and I love you can be what keeps us in a violent situation. I ask you to ask yourself. What is it in me that so wants to believe these words? What is it in me that can rationalize the abuse away, when the words I love you and I am sorry are said? For me as a survivor of abuse and rape it was partly that my belief in the happily every after had been shattered. I thought with enough love and understanding I could change him. I was almost DEAD wrong. I thought if I change this or that about myself, he would not get angry. Once I changed my tone of voice, did not argue, did not stick up for myself, when all of his excuses for hitting me were gone, He still hit me.

Abuse is a subtle process in which you can lose yourself and your self-esteem. Some of the wounds cannot be seen, because they have cut deep into the psyche and your very soul. Everyone around you can say, “Just leave; get out, if it was me I wouldn’t put up with it.” I thought to myself if everyone just knew him, the way I do then they would understand. He is under a lot of pressure. It was my fault, I provoked him.” At this point, the abuse has become a way of life and for me a false sense of security that I could handle him, was a dangerous one. Abusers can be very unpredictable as I found out one night as I was sleeping and woke up with a pillow over my face and him on top of it.

I was told a story once that made sense. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. If you put a frog in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it will boil to death. As victims of abuse, we do not understand that the water is boiling, because it was a gradual turning up of the heat. Our friends can see it but until we do, the abuse will continue.

Getting out ALIVE starts with you! You have to get yourself into counseling to regain your inner strength and wisdom. You have to be willing to jump into the unknown and know it will be o.k. That means leaving! Get yourself stronger through professional help and agencies that are available to assist you, and or, you and your children. Yes, you may love him still. However, you HAVE to love yourself and your family more. Love is not being beaten or abused. Love is NOT justifying to yourself that it was not that bad. I deserved it….or if I had just handled the situation differently this would not have happened. Do not believe it! An abuser does not need an excuse to victimize you….An abuser is the CON and you are the MARK. They will do anything and say anything to make sure you do not leave. It is an act, an abuser does not know the meaning of love, and to them you are a possession. However, none of this will make a difference to someone being abused until they are ready to get out, if they get out.

My personal advice to friends and family of an abused person is to not let yourselves become alienated from the person being abused. The abuser will do whatever it takes to make sure the person being abused is cut off from all support. I am not saying to become co-dependant. Do what you can to help the abused get into counseling, and receive the help needed from the agencies, that are available. When the abuse started for me, I lied to everyone and did NOT let them know what was happening behind closed doors. I had hit a point of WORTH- LESS- NESS and SHAME. Everyone told me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful, loving, husband. I thought to myself if they only knew. When I did share it with HIS family, they asked what I had done to provoke him. I felt isolated and that no one would believe me. Please let someone (safe) know what is happening to you.

In the United States, we as women have fought for many rights. Think of the women in foreign countries whose husbands can kill them and have a dinner thrown in their honor for doing so. In this country, there are laws to protect us. There are agencies to help us. However, we have to help ourselves. Women in other countries have NO help. Yet in this country women are still dying by the hand of their spouse or intimate partner, It is even happening as early as High School. Stand up and say I have Value, I am not taking it anymore, SOMEONE help me, help myself!

Thank you and God Bless….

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